New Holes

We used to hold hands
laughing as we skipped
through warm summer sunsets
the light touching our hair just so
as we sucked in greedy gulps of happiness
and breathed out the innocence of our age,
written not only on our smiles
but on our red wagons
the bottoms of our mud covered shoes
the inside of our lunch boxes.
Then came a time when the sun went down
and we were forced to find our own light
as we struck different matches
searching in the dark for some fulfillment
that we had never lacked before.

Iron Tides

The seasons are changing again
first from summer to autumn
as the southern seas that we basked in
withdrew their warm waves.
And we watched wide eyed
as everything green and living
burst into flames
of crimson, umber, gold,
then smoldered into browns
and grey overcast skies.
Then the iron tides rose
with their cutting cold winds
and frigid waters coming in higher and higher.
Here we remain to endure the storm
for the months to come
and try to remember the south seas
on the nights when the damp
sinks into our bones
and the ice creeps into our blood.
We will endure
for it is all we know to do,
endure this untameable sea
and dry ourselves in the promise
that tides always change.

First Love

The day I dreaded most
ever since I learned
about the shadow of death,
has come and passed.
It is hard to believe that my eyes
will never again look into yours.
That I will never again
caress you gently,
on the softest parts.
Closing my eyes
and breathing deeply,
inhaling your familiar scent.
Feeling so safe
when I lay with you,
accepted just as I am.
You won my heart
from the moment I lay eyes on you
in the early days of my youth.
You had my most genuine affections
from the days when I did not know
to guard my heart.
We used to romp together
in that loving splendor,
we'd set out on adventures.
You were my constant companion,
always ready for some new exploit.
And we grew together,
but while I grew young
wild and free,
you grew old, steady wise.

Lion's breath

I have longed
in the very depths of my heart
to see You face to face
to let my gaze meet your beautiful eyes.
Will I even be able to stand
in the presence of Your majesty?
As I stumble towards You,
ever hesitant
my body trembling with fear and desire
You are the only thing that has ever
come near to satisfying me.
That I would reach out a shaking hand
holding my breath
as you hold my gaze
goodness radiates from you
but yet, there is a sense of danger
You could devour me in a moment
but as I do what I have longed to do
ever since I first heard of you
and press my hand in Your mane.
And everything in me is consumed by Your perfection
Like standing in the warmth of the sun
you are bathed in light--radiant.
And your heartbeat radiates within me
as my own meager heart beats in time.
This feeling, is so overwhelming
and I, I am so undeserving
as I lift my eyes to meet your gaze
you are not disappointed by my size
my weakness, my stupidity, my inadequacy
instead, with your majestic gaze locked on mine
you do the unexpected;
Pressing your nose to my forehead
you breathe on me
with the music of you breath.
All the fear, sorrow, pain, and darkness leave
there is only your light beaming from within me.
All I know in this moment,
is that I am yours, though you are not mine
you are not tame, you are free
but all I want is to belong to you
and feel your breath for eternity. 

Dead End

We sit in the car
it's in park
in the driveway
keys in the ignition.
"Where do you want to go?"
you ask again and again
and all I can say is "Away"
Where is there to go anyway?
Every direction is a cement wall
and we can slam into it
our heads smacking into airbags
metal of the car crunching
tires burning
horn screaming.
But what's the point?
It's always the same old story.

Cancer

There is a cancer in me
you say so matter-of-fact-ly
that it must be true,
no one questions it in the least
the signs are all there
I've been vomiting
and loosing weight
complaining of aches and pains
"Look," you say, "you're sick,
so sick that I need to operate,"
and so you get all the nurses ready
prep them with lies
no one would question a doctor.
You have them hold me down
forget the anesthetic you say
she needs to know how much it hurts
everyone to see her like this
And so you slit me open
with your scalpel,
as I scream "No!"
--A word I've been trying to lip all my life--
Everything is cool and calculated
as you take out my heart
it's not even where you said the cancer was
but it doesn't matter
no one will know the difference
and there is no way out
I can't fight anymore
I can't win this
no matter what I do you tell me
it's because of the cancer.
And now as I let go,
so do you and everyone leaves
my heart is in your jar
and I am bleeding here on the table
trying to stitch myself up.
I deserve it you say
it was necessary
I'm the only one who knows
you're a liar and deceiver
but you tell me it's the cancer talking
you must not have removed it all
you'll need to operate again.
I won't let you touch me
I won't let anyone touch me again.

Remise

You told me you liked to fence
and I thought I'd give you a shot
I didn't know that you were one
to so heedlessly break the rules.
So we danced, jabbed, gouged, scratched.
You've practiced so much on your own
that you think you can anticipate
my every move.
I have a few surprises up my sleeve
thinking it's all for fun.
But you didn't tell me the stakes
and you have a different game in mind:
one that ends in my demise.
So you maneuver me into a corner
I've never been one to surrender
and I won't put up my white flag.
And you'll have justice at any cost
even if your means are unjust
everything has to be even: tit for tat.
So if I've had a couple little scratches
you have the right to cut me deeper
than anyone else has.
I need to learn a lesson you say
and we both know
that you want to be the father to give it.
As you cut through my protective suit
with a couple swishes of your sword
and tear off my mask so I have to look at you.
"This is for your own good," you say,
like so many others have told me
as they rip me to shreds
and steal everything I try to keep sacred.
And my eyes and my scream say
"help me, help me, I didn't know..."
but there will be no help;
as if there ever was any.
All I ever wanted was for someone
to stand in front of me
and not let me be the sacrificial lamb
slaughtered on the table for the wrath and needs
of men who do not care for me.
Your real anger lurks with a woman
you cannot reach,
and so here I am instead to take her place
you cannot bare the least resemblance of her.
No one will come this time to protect,
and probably not the next
all I can do is disintegrate onto the floor
and wait until it's safe
to pick up these smoldering ashes
and mix them with tears
until I make cement bricks
thick enough to keep you--
and everyone else--out.